Real Housewives Of New Jersey, The Battle Of The Foreheads Reunion Parts 1 & 2

 

Ok I know this recap is hella late, but I was called to do some Jane Bond Mission Impossible dirty work and was not around to rag on these ho’s ( At one point I cound’t reach the keyboard). Ok so here it is. Pretend I posted this earlier. Real Housewives Of New Jersey Reunion parts 1 & 2.

I hate to admit it, but Joker Face was right when she said those bitches don’t need her crazy crusty ass to bring on the drama because that shit was already there.

The first thing  Miss Andy brings up is the Greek tragedy these people’s lives have turned into and the missing Jacqueline who decided to hide under her bed with her eyes closed and her fingers in her ears until the Bravo van left her driveway.  Caroline blames Jacqueline’s absence on Teresa  because of the incident that took place at the Posche 2011 Fashion Showdown the previous night which Teresa caused, and because of all this Jacqueline is not attending and also because she doesn’t want to “look” at Teresa’s hair line. Teresa tells Caroline to not speak for that bitch and that if she started shit she should finish it. Caroline has her Godmother gloves on and Teresa says “bring it on baby!” she meant bitch.

Teresa says that she’s been laughing all the way to the bank with the money she was paid for the ruined 10-year relationshit with Jacqueline that unfolded on TV.Caroline says she is glad Teresa is laughing because Jacqueline is crying (since Jacqueline didn’t take advantage of jumping on the  hawking shit on TV train while the  Teresa relationshit was going to shit.) Teresa says she got her crying out of the way early and says Caroline is the captain of this bitch platoon that attacked her.

The cook/insult book gets brought up, and Teresa says something so stupid so ridiculous that makes her look like the biggest fool so far to hit these train-wreckage reunion shows. After Teresa gets called out on being a demented bitch, (who took an entire page of her book plus wasted energy on ragging on Melissa about being a copycat when instead she could of used that page for another recipe) Teresa tries to imply that she was not speaking about Melissa when she insulted her because she didn’t mention Melisa’s name. What kind of morons does she think everyone is? Andy was rolling up his eyes at this bitches moronic response. And I was embarrassed for her that’s how bad it was.

Caroline and Teresa keep being snippy at each other and Miss Andy feels this is a perfect time to bring up Teresa’s comment that Caroline is only 1/16th Italian. Teresa tries to downplay it like it’s no big deal and says if someone said the same thing to her she would just laugh it off, then she insults Caroline when she tells her in Italian I’M 100% ITALIAN! And it goes right over Caroline’s head because she doesn’t understand what Teresa just said.

Caroline expresses how very butt hurt she is that Teresa dared insult her baby’s ambitious desire to open up a car-wash strip joint. Teresa tries to say AGAIN that it was a joke “HA, HA!” But that she wouldn’t want her daughters to work in that puterio. Caroline then decides she will front Christopher the money to open up the strip/car-wash joint and recruit the Giudice girls when they each turn 18, but before they will each prick their finger in a spinning wheel as revenge. BUA HA HA!!

Teresa tries to say that if she didn’t love to insult Caroline she wouldn’t of put a lovely picture of her in her Fabulicious book. Caroline then says she wants Tree to take the picture of her out in all of the cookbooks, even the ones people bought. Meaning Teresa will have to somehow break into people’s houses Ninja style at night and rip the picture out. But then, she tells Teresa to leave the shitty comments to show the world who the asshole is.

Godmother Caroline is also pissed off that Teresa “poisoned” her opinions about Kathy and Melissa causing Caroline to treat them like shit. Teresa reminds Caroline she is her own damn person and Tree can’t influence Caroline to treat anyone like shit. Caroline brings up an example about how Teresa would tell her to never compliment that bitch Melissa and tell her she is pretty because she may believe it.

 Okay so after this, the whole incident of the last reunion when Teresa got up yelling in Joker Face’s mug and pushed Miss Andy like a rag-doll with her orangutan strength because Joker Face brought up Teresa’s nephew, gets revisited. Andy asks Melissa why Joker Face would bring up her son to instigate a bitch slap fest. Melissa has this OH SHIT BUSTED! look on her face because YOU KNOW she was bad mouthing Teresa to Satan on Facebook last time these bitches had a reunion.

Teresa expresses her disgust with her family joining the show, but specially Melissa who brings up how Teresa threatened her life right after Melissa got casted in the same circus as Teresa. 

More denial comes out of Teresa’s mouth this time though, she tries to say she was trying to protect Melissa’s big ass forehead and insist that since she was named the fore-headless wonder Melissa may be named the “horse forehead” bitch. Melissa assures everyone that she doesn’t have any self-esteem issues resulting from her gigantic forehead. Caroline gets all Godmother drama on Teresa and tells her she “crucified these people” and points at Kathy and Mel. I think Melissa should just share some of that “horse forehead” with Teresa and call it a night.

Clips from The Christening from Hell get played and we get to see Psycho Joey in his Tiara crying for daddy after he damn near flipped the table when he called Teresa “gawbage.” Teresa gets into it with Melissa over not inviting Psycho Joey to their House Skanks Premiere party. Teresa insists she didn’t invite Mel or Joey because she knew Mel didn’t want to go (because Teresa reads minds.)

 Then, Teresa gives a lesson on “what a good wife does” and says Mel is NOT a good wife for not calling Teresa to kiss her ass and beg her to invite Joey to the Premiere party.  Kathy points out to Teresa that her comment is offensive, but she is too stupid to know that. Everyone has a lame excuse for their behavior. Teresa says her dad doesn’t know Psycho Joey called her “gawbage” or else he will flip a table also.

Miss Andy asks Melissa why the fuck they were mad that Tree and Barney Devito when they were on the dance floor dancing with their baby, and of course that bitch stutters and makes a lame ass excuse. Oh well, I bet she is not even sure how it all got out of control that particular night anyway, since I bet it was all a combination of alcohol, asshole hair trigger-tempers and Bravo producers whispering in their ears and WALAH! They managed to ruin little Gino (or Joey’s?) Christening. FOREVER!

Teresa says that the only reason Psycho Midget Joey threw a fit the night of the Christening is because he believes she kept him off the show. Melissa asks “And you think a  man  cries like a baby  to his daddy on national TV because his sister kept him off the show?” I  can tell Teresa was thinking YEAH!

Miss Andy reads a viewer email to Melissa who calls out Psycho Joey for starting the Christening Brawl from hell after he name called Teresa and got all apeshit on her ass almost flipping the table. Melissa surprisingly says she doesn’t hold Teresa responsible for the shit flinging, and admits Psycho got it to the next level.

Kathy finds out she is also part Gorga and may have temper problems and Melissa gets asked if her sister was punched in the face by Mama Giudice and Teresa says she punched that bitch because she pulled her hair.

 

Teresa denies that Gia watched the Christening episode and tries to play dumb, but then Mama Manzo bustes her. Why doesn’t she just admit she let Gia watch the episode? What’s the big deal “she lived it” didn’t she?

Caroline says that Psycho Joey put on his tiara and sequin, then went all drama, held her hand and told her he felt terrible that he called his sister “gawbage.” Hmm? Why did he say this to Caroline? Did he apologize to Teresa? Maybe he should of saved the theatrics for that, no?

Caroline gets all crazy and yells that Teresa told her she didn’t want to make up with her “asshole” brother. Melissa drops her jaw all wide like she is about to gasp I guess when you call someone an “asshole” you are really threatening their life in this family. Wow! I must threaten my brother’s life quite a bit then. I just called him an asshole today as a matter of fact.

Teresa sits there trying to deny it, but her actions give it away. Mel also jumps in and sticks up for Caroline. It was a gang-bang.

Andy asks the bitches to please teach him how to speak New Joysey Slang. Lesson number one. “Youse” means “You guys” or “Ya’ all” meaning you are referring to a group of people. Andy revisits “ingrediencess” and then calls Melissa a “wench” Melissa admits she is a wench.

Andy then puts Melissa “On Display” and asks her the 110 million dollar question and asks her if she is half black. Why? Because she looks like the triplet of Tia and Tamera Mowry. The question should not be is Melissa Gorga half black the question should really be, are Tia and Tamera half Italian?

Teresa says she is supportive of Melissa’s one hit wonder music career and then calls her a goldigger.  We also found out Psycho Joe prints money in that big basement where he keeps the bodies of the guys that fucked him over.

Melissa kept dropping her mouth wide open gasping like an innocent little princess and Teresa said “Bring it on Bitches! Bring it on!”

Then Teresa calls Melissa the Devil because she is the one wearing red. Devils also wear blue.

 

Teresa gets called out for her Jewish friend comment. Then she apologizes for saying that, and insist it wasn’t meant as a racist remark since she will be trying to marry Gia off to a Jewish husband in the near future.

Andy asks Teresa how she feels about being the one that brings home the bacon while Barney Devito brings home tips from his minimum wage pizza parlor job. Teresa says it feels great and she is happy. I don’t hear them say “happy wife, hapy life” anymore since they almost went to jail for bankruptcy fraud and they had to change the Giudice slogan to “happy wife, bankruptcy for life”. Teresa also defends the fact she bought her children a shitload of toys for Christmas including a 200 dollar motorized toy car. But it was Jesus’s birthday!

Teresa also admits she was confused when the almost auction went on at her house where she believed she had Picasso paintings worth 50 thousand dollars!

Like this Picasso painting here Teresa owns, she paid fifty thousand dollars for it. She knows it is a fine Picasso painting because the guy at the furniture store told her it was an original Picasso (Damn! I gotta open me a furniture store full of tacky Tijuana shit near these fools!)

WHAT A MORON!!

We also found out Barney Devito is the “go-to-guy for business advice.” Then, Tree adamantly denies her husband being a shady character full of shadiness.

This whole time Caroline has been making “Quizzical” faces at Teresa. Caroline and Teresa get into it and Caroline feels she is “getting dumber as the minutes go by.” Because she is in a “whirlwind of stupid.” Teresa is contagious.

 

Part 2 of the Reunion.

Andy brings up to Melissa that he has never seen anyone as horny as Melissa’s husband and asks her how she keeps him happy. Melissa admits she has to give him booty once a day to keep him happy. But, twice would be better.  What she doesn’t know is that he is getting it 5 times a day when he goes out in this getup:

 How do you think he makes extra money to keeps Mel in Rolexes and living in a mansion?

The problem is Joe is REALLY good at his moonlighting job that he enjoys it. QUITE A BIT. And yes, Jacqueline gave him that outfit because she didn’t want it after Joe’s sweaty balls were in it, so she told him he could have it.

 After that, we have a contest over who has more sex between Teresa and Melissa. I would say about equal since Psycho Joe gets action from his Craiglist hookups while Barney Devito gets extra action from every toothless ho’ he has on the side.

Next they show everyone having sex.  Andy asks Melissa if it bothers her that Psycho Joe likes wearing women’s clothes too much. But, as I explained above he is doing it to keep this woman living in luxury so it doesn’t bother Melissa at all plus she says he’s been doing this a looong time. Even Teresa admits when they were little Psycho Drag Joey always ran around dressed up like a girl. What she doesn’t want to admit is that Joe DID try on her clothes when the two were growing up. (Notice how Kathy and Melissa laugh nervously when Teresa denies that Joey whore her clothes because the bitches know the truth.) Also Teresa’s pretty dresses and shoes always would come up missing and end up in Psycho Joey’s closet and those missing clothes are in that closet until this day.

 Miss Andy brings up Melissa’s past about “slamming the lady pond” and Melissa denies it by saying that her girlfriend was a lesbian, but she wasn’t. I guess she also left some of her clothes in that same closet Psycho Joe hid his sister’s stolen loot.

Teresa denies Barney Devito is a cheater and Caroline knows the bitch is just covering up for her man (the same way she would do) Miss Andy wanted to throw a log in that fire because it was getting too mellow, so he ask Teresa who she believes  leaked the info about Barney Devito’s cheating ways to the gossip blogs and of course Teresa falls Andy’s carefully planned input and insinuates it was Jacqueline who leaked out this info and that this why she is not here. Meanwhile Godmother Caroline is looking “Quizzical” again.

  Miss Andy asks Caroline if Johnny and Christopher are still friends even thought the Manzo’s kicked Kim G out of someone else’s party. Caroline insist that the boys are still in good terms and that Johnny G knows his mom is nuts so it doesn’t make any difference. Teresa brings up that the reason she didn’t like Kim G was because of Caroline’s influence (kind of like the same shit Caroline said earlier about not liking Kathy and Mel because of Teresa’s input.)

Caroline gets asks why she calls her daughter fat when she reminds her she has eight pounds of sausage in a five pound bag. Caroline says she needs to let her daughter know how it is or else who will?  Caroline also gets asked why her husband lied on his application when he had that city job and she tries to stumble around a lame answer. Bottom line is the so called Brownstone apartment wasn’t his permanent residence unless she kicked him out of the house and he lives at the Brownstoner full time.

When Dina and Caroline’s fractured relationship gets brought up Caroline immediately blames Teresa for the damage.

Caroline brings up that the fame has gotten to Teresa. She also admits she talks about that bitch all the time because she doesn’t like her. Tree turns up the sassy and says I’M AS REAL AS THEY COME AND YOU KNOW IT. Mel attacks back and tells Teresa if she keeps spitting that bullshit out it may come true. I guess she was giving Teresa her very own advice which by the way Melissa practices it. Daily. Caroline also says that her feet are planted on the ground and that she chooses to be a mother to her children instead of being on the tabloids. Then she ran to the tabloid crying that her grown children didn’t sign up for this.

Teresa starts freaking out yelling WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU!!??!! NO WONDER WHY DINA DOESN’T WANNA SPEAK TO YOU!! Dina responded to that on her blog and said she wasn’t taking sides with those crazy bitches.

Caroline responded:

YOU’RE FULL OF SHIT AND YOUR WASTING THIS TAPE

Well too late for that!

Teresa repeats YOU’RE FULL OF SHIT and they go back and forth like 6th graders. Caroline also reveals that because of TERESA Dina is also not speaking to everyone in her house including her children, Jacqueline and her brother Chris.  All because Dina took Teresa’s side, I don’t know maybe Dina is Teresa’s secret lesbian lover too maybe that’s why.

They briefly mentioned that Ashley is an Assholey and Kathy explains it perfectly when she mentioned that “Ashley just hasn’t reached her AH, HA moment” yet. I agree.

Kathy finds out she may have Ramonitis of the eyes after Andy diagnoses her.

See twins separated at birth.

Andy decided it was time to question Kathy’s abilities to successfully throw “all night hookah and cannoli parties.”

Kathy admits that by smoking a little munchy tobacky in her hookah

  

Leads her to genious moments of delicious munchies.

.

  

Teresa just wishes she could have some of the “ingrediencess” in that magical hookah, that make Kathy cook this awesome.

I

  

Ritchie’s job is to keep New Joysey flushed with the good shit.

And speaking about easy going fun stuff, Kathy talks about her daughter Victoria (whose boyfriend is suffering from cracked-nuts courtesy of Ritchie) Kathy says she is grateful her daughter survived a brain tumor. Teresa interrupts to make it about herself and about how Mother Teresa being at the hospital for Victoria “every day” made her realize she doesn’t sweat the small things.

  

This is the other bitches reactions:

  

WTF??!!

Right after Teresa says she doesn’t trip on small shit Ritchie gets brought up and  Teresa says it’s all Ritchie’s fault she doesn’t get invited to Kathy’s hookah parties and all night muchie benders.

Teresa says that because Ritchie is an asshole to her she “dessence” herself from him and Andy ask her what the fuck she is saying? Bitch you don’t know what you’re saying! Tree is pissed that Barney Devito and Ritchie would gang up on her.

Following that little pile up the incident with Audriana gets brought up. Teresa says her child was not unattended and she doesn’t want Kathy calling her a bad parent.  Caroline tries to explain to Teresa that she should be grateful her cousin took Audriana out of danger .

 

Finally Teresa admits she was overreacting, but it took her all season to come to this conclusion.

The Christmas fight gets brought up and Teresa says she wanted her brother and sister-in-law to stay with her all night NOT just three hours. Then she says the other bitches are all bad people.

And Caroline realizes that they are all fucking crazy. Including her.

Big ole’ yelling match among all the bitches followed , but it was specially all of them jumping on Teresa.

Melissa brought up Barney Devito’s name calling her “raccoon face” Teresa immediately jumps in and says,

 “HE WAS TALKING ABOUT KATHY!”

  

Watchoo Talkin’ Bout, Willis!?

  

SOOO THAT’S SUPPOSED TO MAKE IT BETTER???

  

CONGRATULATIONS TERESA YOU’RE A FUCKING MORON!!

After Teresa made an ass of herself Andy asks her why can’t she shut her trap and listen for a minute. Of course it goes into Teresa’s one ear and out the other.

  

After another blowup we find what place everyone is in.

Teresa gets called out on blaming Melissa for her family being broken up Melissa denies it and I agree with Carolines statement earlier that they are all fucking crazy.

  

Here’s Kathy’s WTF?? Reaction.

 

After Tree and Mel get into an argument over what Melissa would gain over breaking up the family, Melissa realizes that you can’t argue with crazy. You just can’t.

I give up.

Teresa and Teresa Jr get compared and Caroline resolves the problem these two bitches have in one shot.

They’re the same person.

Tree and Mel argue back and forth on who is the queen of tacky.

  

The older bitches realizes these younger ho’s are fighting over nothing since in Northen New Joysey everyone is tackyliceous since they “all have the same bedspread and same robes”

After this Andy brings up Teresa’s obsession with being in control of her brother and she is reminded it is illegal to marry your brother.

Tree and Mel continue their competition on whose family is more Tacky Italian. Because with Teresa it always boils down to that. They proceed their back and forth arguing over the title of Queen of the Tacky.

Andy asks Teresa if she regrets saying anything bad about Melissa on the show and NOT surprisingly she turns it around and makes it about Melissa regreting saying something bad about her on the show. Andy has to rephrase that again. Melissa reads off a list of things that Teresa should regret and Teresa mumbles “the poison”. That’s it. Same question for Melissa and she said she regreted something lame to do with them paying their bills.

The feud of the “Joes” gets mentioned and we all find out it goes way back before they all joined the 3 ring circus.  Teresa is quoted saying she blames her husband and her brother because:

 

 “they’re like girls.”

 

 

No it’s more like:

Andy calls out Teresa’s husband for using the “F” word and Melissa tries to say her husband doesn’t use that word. Somehow I’m siding with Tree on that one because I don’t believe Melissa.

 

Andy asks Caroline her opinion on Barney Devito’s favorite gay slur to use , but since in these families everyone uses that word even Caroline sticks up for Barney Devito and just says that his ass doesn’t mean it with maliciousness he  is just ignorant and grew up under a rock.

 

Teresa explains it best.

And that is also the reason why he is a wreckless drunk who chips his teeth and yells at his wife while calling his other relatives “white trash”.

Gia’s sad song gets brought up and Caroline calls it a “disgrace”.In the end nothing gets resolved the only thing left to do is for all these bitches to go scratch their ass.

Filed under: Barney Devito, CAROLINE MANZO, kathy wakile, Melissa Gorga, Real Housewives of New Jersey, TERESA GIUDICE, Barney Devito, CAROLINE MANZO, gossip, jacqueline laurita, Joe Giudice, kathy walkile, Melissa Gorga, Real Housewives of New Jersey, recaps, TERESA GIUDICE