Kyle is hanging around at The Plastic Surgery Gone Horribly Wrong Offices of Dr. Paul Nassif of Frankenstein with her mother-in-law Estella who recently got a face transplant. Her mother-in-law and Dr. Frankenstein try to get Kyle to do a little quickie face-ironing on the go because Paul feels Kyle’s angry jealousy crease is starting to show too much, since Brandi joined the show. Kyle tries to bullshit everyone by saying she is against plastic surgery (unless her face skin drags down to the ground, and it will) and insist she is using what God gave her, she also believes that her daily mule piss injections do not count as plastic surgery.
Adrienne and Brandi meet to pretend they are having lunch by playing with the food on their plate and moving it around. Brandi says she is having some sort of belly dancing bitch and wine party and is concerned to put Chankla and Camille in the same room. Brandi says she is inviting everyone even asshole Kim who can’t stand her. After they pretend to eat lunch, they race to the bathroom to see who can puke the one nibble they each took off their meal the fastest.
Kyle is at home having some Cinco De Drinco party full of Mexicans (her words not mine and I can say that since my left side is Mexican.) Before Mauricio can join the dinner table, Kyle smacks him with the newspaper because he is wearing some fugly ass shoes. While at the dinner Kyle gets jealous that her mother in law looks way younger than her and she can turn her head like the fucking Exorcist.
Lisa is over at her new improved restaurant SUR and also slapping around the poor contractor who tries to give her an unwelcome complement. Ok that was boring moving right along.
Kim is sitting at home alone eating Cheetos and folding laundry she was invited to Brandi’s party, but refused to go because she hates that “slut pig.”
Finally it’s Brandi’s party and she lives right smack in the middle of ghetto ass Malibu. I swear I’ve seen that house plenty of times while driving down PCH on my surf runs, but then again it looks like every other house on PCH so who knows.
Chankla Face and Kyle show up together and Chankla was already nice and drunk because on the limo ride there she pounded a couple of bottles of Night Train snorted some meth and then guzzled more booze all this on an empty stomach. Then, she bitched complained, moaned and farted about NOT being willing to make amends with Camille, Kyle was holding her breath in the limo and needed to crack a window really really bad.
When these ho’s arrive at Casa De Brandi, right away Kyle starts snarking that Brandi is a no-bra wearing ho’. Brandi brings out the belly dancing teaching lady who proceeds to teach these ho’s how to shake their assess like an ancient pole dancer because belly dancers are really only old school pole dancers. Why do you think they have coined belts?
Everyone is drinking, dancing and having a good time even when bitch ass Kyle starts complaining about Brandi’s bra-less boobs , but in reality Kyle is just pissed off because hers sag to the ground and have lost their bounce since like 14 babies ago. Then, she starts pointing at Brandi’s nips with a laser pointer trying to rile her up and tell her she needs a bra. But Brandi doesn’t fall for that shit and just ignores that jealous hag because Brandi is a Flowerchild. Kyle is also ready willing and able to start a bitch slap fest over ANYTHING Brandi says or does, when Brandi tries to give Kyle a complement about her marriage Kyle takes that as an insult and a stealing Mauricio threat.
When Kyle sees that Brandi is not falling for her dumb ass stunts the dumb trick starts dancing like a drunken fool and taking over the belly dancing class to be ‘the center of attention” like Brandi points out.
Kyle thinks her splits are impressive, but what’s even more impressive is the fact that she has the flexibility of a double jointed circus-freak star who after 13 children doesn’t even need to push or even be laying down to give birth anymore. The last baby she had while standing up fixing dinner, when suddenly she queefed and the baby landed in the enchilada platter she was fixing for Mauricio. The bitch didn’t know if that was an umbilical cord or stringy melted cheese. EEEEWWWWW!!!! Sorry for that mental image, that was gross!
Maybe Brandi needs to cover her nipples, but Kyle needs to close her busted legs her insecurity is showing and it’s some BIG insecurity. I heard you can throw a two by four down Kyle’s insecurity and you will never hear it land because it gets swallowed up in that dark vortex of jealousy.
Kyle is trying to make digs at Brandi to get her cheesed up, but Chankla is walking around pouting to try and get a straight up bitch brawl started with Camille. Althought Kyle and Chankla are trying to get some pissy rise out of the other ho’s, everything is still going well everyone is getting along and this bothers Chankla Face to no end because SHE CAN’T STAND IT WHEN EVERYONE IS NICE AND HAVING A GOOD TIME!!!! NO!! It has to become about CHANKLA FACE! But how, how can I make this about myself and fuck up this bitches party??? Chankla thought to herself in between garbled drunken un-reasoning. Sooo she runs outside sits on the porch and pouts her trout lips.
Suddenly a big ass bitch confrontation takes place between Chankla Face and Camille’s friend/bitch guard about what an asshole Chankla Face is and how she should drop her shit and make up or at least talk it out with Camille. Chankla Face starts freaking out displaying another award winning performance when she screams like a mental patient without her meds at the woman ‘YOU DON’T KNOW WHAT SHE’S DONE TO ME!!” as if Camille murdered her children.
When Chankla Face manages to make this about her everyone runs outside to try and calm her out of control ass out. Bitch is standing by the rail where she could of fallen in the water and if it was windy that night she sure would of flown right into the ocean and drowned. Brandi sure had a lot of self control to not throw that annoying gnat overboard, she would of being fine after all, her inflated lips would floated her back to safety.
One of the ladies at the party who looks like she is 100 years old because I counted at least 50 surgeries on her face, starts telling Chankla stuff about how the ocean will be there once we are all gone and some shit about evolution that goes right over Chankla’s head. What do you mean evolve? The nice plastic surgery wannabe Jocelyne Wildenstein lady is trying to reason with drunken ass trailer-park Chankla Face who is going all Oklahoma Hurricane on bitches faces. What plastic-surgery-gone-scary nice lady (whatever the fuck her name is) doesn’t understand is that, she is dealing with a wild beast that was released into civilization and wild beast don’t evolve. They mutate, as we are witnessing here with Chankla Face making a grandiose FOOL of her screaming, fish-lip flapping self in front of all these people including the servers and the chefs who where laughing their asses off once everyone left and they were passing a peace joint while cleaning the kitchen before they had to head back to ghetto-ass Ventura to surf. That’s why these caterers don’t fight amongst each other, see. But Bravo would lose ratings if they had those bitches pass the bong instead of the moon shine.
Suddenly Brandi makes a move that has never been tried before in Housewives history and yells at Chankla and bitch Kyle to get THE FUCK OUT of her house. Those skanks try to fight her, but it doesn’t quite work . Then they have no choice, but to leave. It was awesome.
OMG!! OMG!! THAT’S RIGTH I ALMOST FORGOT!! (Thanks Robin for reminding me.) That whole pandemonium of crazy wasn’t enough. Chankla Face had to also embarrass herself in front of the unsuspecting limo driver that drove her and the other ungrateful hag home safe, who only gets paid 12 bucks an hour, which is not enough to put up with some screaming bitch demanding a light who ends up lighting the buttend of her cigarette, which reflects the permanent incoherent uncoordinated, chaotic drunk-ass she is.
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